1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!
-Psalms 139
I keep my thoughts mainly to myself. I think and analyse a lot (not good), and I'm really fine being left alone with my thoughts and God. I'm what you might call an introvert.
Now, the end of 2016 was a very tough period. It was one bad news after another. Zits were popping all over my face due to stress, and it got so bad that after one particular bad news, I immediately threw up and got a fever. Like, I've never been under so much stress that it affects my physical body. It was one of the toughest moments of my life and it came to a point where I questioned whether God was awake. If He even cares.
This is when it gets really tough. Because I don't feel that God is on my side, I put Him out of the picture, and I'm just left with my thoughts. Being an introvert, I have no desire whatsoever to reach out to people, and my thoughts on its own is a RIOT.
(To be clear, it's not that I'm uncomfortable with people finding out. If they ask, I would happily open up! It's just that I feel like I don't have the energy to initiate a conversation about all the thoughts in my head for there are many and I might not be doing a good job expressing them due to my being socially awkward.)
My mind was like a vomit of words. Words after words after words. Plans over plans and questions over questions. Then fear and worry kicks in. Anxiety joins in. I depended on myself and it was bleak and heavy and unclear. After days -- maybe even weeks -- my mind had enough and it can't think anymore. All I could do was break down in anger towards God and cry.
I cried for a good chunk of time until I eventually got tired, until my mind eventually stops. And only then, my heart felt a soft voice.
"Your thoughts don't overwhelm Me."
Then it was suddenly a rush of revelation.
God knows that going through this process would include me getting upset at Him. But He wasn't afraid of that. He still lets me go through it because He knows He will still be with me anyway.
God knows it will be tough on me. He knows I'll cry. He knows I'll have zits and fever. But He wasn't intimidated by that because He knows He has healed me, and is protecting me all the time anyway.
God knows that in the end of all this, He will provide a way out. (1 Cor 10:13)
He's not intimidated by my worries, fears, or anxieties. He can handle it! In fact, in the end, it was Him who sorted out my jumbled thoughts. He was the one who reminded me of His own words. He was the one who made it all.. alright.
In the scripture above, verse 1-4 shows that God knows everything about us: our thoughts, what we're going to say, what we're going to do, and everything else there is. And they are definitely not perfect. And yet in verse 5, He still says He goes before us and follows us, and His still places His hand of blessing on our head. That's crazy.
My story is not done. The situation hasn't changed, but I'm much better now. I don't really know the details of His ways of working, but somehow He drove the fear away and replaced it with faith (this line sounds cliche but its true!). Through His ways (and Words), He made me able to believe that in the end, my life is still in His hands and I am always going to be fine.
And so are you :)
Be blessed!
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